Monday, December 3, 2012

Nutty Freelance Writing Clients #7

Oh where do I begin?

"Me Need Writer.  Not Temporary.  Permanent."  Five Hundred words gets you one whole American dollar!  Gosh, if this were the Roarin' Twenties we'd be in business!  Now, when you think of the word permanent do you think of less than ten hours of one week of your life?  Just sayin....

Nutty Freelance Writing Clients #6

For some reason, it seems that ever since the release of  "50 Shades of Grey" that some freelance sites have been inundated with requests from potential clients to write erotic fiction.  This is one of them, and even in its own world it's odder than a lion trying to make love to a squirrel.

You gotta love it when people use legal sounding terms to outline the terms of an agreement to write a smut book.  Now, the part that particularly gets me is where the client outlines that the project is personal and is for them and their significant other.  How the hell is it personal if you have somebody else do it for you?  And at twenty five thousand words, they are edging dangerously close to being what seems to be the market price for a freelance job online.  Now, the client for some reason needs the project done before the first of January.  Great, just in time for the holidays.  Nothing says intensely personal like I paid somebody else to do it.

Nutty Freelance Writing Clients #5

Oh where oh where do I begin?  Well, I guess the only logical thing to do is let you read the post first...
Now that you're done, let's go through as much of this as possible.  First of all, twenty dollars.  Now twenty bucks may be nothing to sneeze at if you're a ten year old mowing the neighbor's lawn.  However, for the less than cleverly drawn up amount of six hundred and sixty-six unique ways to torture somebody; I don't think the enthusiasm in the project will be there.  I mean seriously, after the first hundred or so methods of torture some of them will end up less than funny.  The Simpsons has been on for over twenty years for example.  Can you honestly say that every episode of that show is funny?  You can't.

The best part about this particular posting is that they want your qualifications about why you'd be the perfect candidate to come up with so many ways to torture people.  Oh and it's a WORK FOR HIRE job, meaning your name will never be associated with it.  Thank god.  I can't imagine sitting in an office ten years from now and a potential client asking me about the list of torture ideas.  This kind of shit will definitely get you on the no fly list.

Nutty Freelance Writing Clients #4

Now, everyone likes a good comedy right?  Even better if it's something your kids can enjoy.  Hey, animation is always good.  Those Pixar folks are just swimming in money from animation.  Which means a script for a good animated kids comedy must go for upwards of thousands of dollars right?  RIGHT?

Not exactly.  For a hundred dollars, you'll be lucky to find a scriptwriter that can actually write let alone be able to do it.  Think of it this way, Ed Wood's screenwriters probably got paid more than a hundred dollars. And they wrote Plan 9 for Christ's sake.  So, all I have to do is come up with all the idea?  That's great, but what if it requires more than one idea?  Do I get another hundred for each additional idea, or does that extravagant fee cover any ancillary ideas that may come along?

Nutty Freelance Writing Clients #3

This following example almost escaped being put into the "Nutty" category.  However, upon close inspection you may be able to see that some things may be amiss.

Upon closer inspection, you can see that there's no actual timeline for how long the client in question wants you to work for them.  Does the two hundred dollars mean a month?  Seven hundred years?  Yes, your writing skills should be good.  The one problem would be with the aggressive tone in the last line.  It practically screams "expect to be fired without warning".

Nutty Freelance Writing Clients #2

Folks, I just don't know where to begin with this one....
Let's see, you've got the estimated budget of two to three dollars.  The client also wants you to know what a press release is.  Hey buddy, I don't even bother to remember my own damn name for anything less than four.  As you can see, I am certain the client also wants you to follow the same attention to grammar that they do.

Nutty Freelance Writing Clients #1

Hi there folks.  As some of you may know, every once in a while I get the urge to actually write something for money.  Seems kinda strange, doesn't it?  Yes, I know it does.  However, the online freelance writing world is not as easy as one would think.  To get a really good client, or a really good payday you occasionally have to sift through what seems like an endless pile of folks that have simply lost the plot.  In this  series, I am going to present actual listings posted on actual freelance writing sites.  I have done no editing save for blacking out anything that would get me in legal trouble.  Let me bring up the first one.

I think I'm beginning to wonder what's worse, the people needing the story written; or the person that agrees to write it?  I can only imagine the notes in the revisions the client would ask...

"Um yeah, everything looks good.  However, your short description of the story where somebody gets diddled by a team of eighteen wheelers isn't nearly realistic enough."

Oh, and I nearly forgot to mention in case you didn't see it that the client is going to check your work for plagiarism.  You know, because there's just so many people vying for his fifteen dollars.  And six thousand words!  I didn't think you needed six thousand to describe what this person wants.

Oh, and another common thing you will see in some freelance jobs, this one is WORK FOR HIRE.  Which of course means that you can't have your name attached to the story in any respect.  I can't imagine why you wouldn't.