The following might be what is called an unpopular opinion but I really couldn’t care after the way that this whole situation seemed to have unfolded. I’m sitting on my couch in the middle of the day when out of nowhere, we get a knock on the door. We get plenty of unsolicited knocks in our area, from the kids selling candy for their soccer teams and the people that work for other power companies trying to convince you that their company is somehow cheaper.
This one was a wee bit strange. I open my side window and see that spreading almost like roaches to the other houses are folks with green shirts on, complete with giant packets of literature and green lanyards. This young man, who the guy at the liquor store probably wouldn’t believe he was over the legal age to purchase wine and other spirits looks up and smiles.
It’s a representative from Child Fund. You all remember Child Fund, don’t you? Of course you do. They are the ones that occupy about sixty percent of the commercial time after the evening news getting you to sponsor a child. For I believe fifteen dollars or so a month you could sponsor little Isaac, who is a star of these commercials along with a kindly looking grandfather type who guilt trips you that you haven’t called yet. As if the film crew couldn’t sell one of their cameras and sponsor Isaac’s whole damn village for a year.
I’ve always been curious about how the Child Fund sponsoring system works. Do you get to pick a specific child that you sponsor from a book of pictures like the old police mug shot books? Are the letters you get from the child you sponsor real or are they like when someone posts what appears to be a fake “Insert Dirty Things Kids Inadvertently Wrote On A Paper Plate Here” post on BuzzFeed. I always have had this level of doubt with organizations like this that the letters from the sponsored children are written in some office building in Wyoming or something. Like the same way people think their fortune cookies all come from China, only to actually look at the packaging and see they are made in New Jersey.
Anyway, the young man starts in with his pitch and I begin to wonder why the hell he’s at my door to begin with. I mean, you can’t turn a television on for an hour after ten at night on cable without seeing the old man with the young kid telling you that he’ll die by the end of the commercial if you don’t get your credit card out now. I, being polite listen to him until he has a chance to take a natural breath. Which takes a while, because they must teach these people to say this shit while holding their breath underwater or something because damn do they have some lung power. I’m talking about Ed Harris in The Right Stuff level of lung power.
After about six and a half minutes of making his speech (time may be extended for hilarity), I told him that it’s something that our family would like to do but we only have a specific budget for charitable contributions. You’d think he’d be overjoyed or at the very least mildly happy that he’s being met by someone that donates to something instead of just getting a door shut in his face. Nope, he proceeds to ask me what charities I donate to; which are really nobodies goddamn business when it comes down to it. Seriously, do you ask complete strangers what charities they donate to?
Hoping that telling him one of the charities we donate to will get him off my damn property, I tell him that we really don’t have any more money to give. I say goodbye to him and as I am shutting my window he sneaks in the following, “so you don’t want to help starving children today?”
Just like the old fella in the commercial, he’s busting out the guilt trip on me. I then proceeded to tell him that it was excessively impolite to tell someone that when they respectfully give their reasons why they cannot. It wasn’t as if I danced around him in a circle burning his donation forms.
For two minutes, this guy argued with me over the fact that I wasn’t donating and basically telling me that I was indirectly responsible for children starving. It was incredibly insulting. Hell, even after I shut the window and closed my blinds the guy stood there practically shouting at me as if he was commanding me to reopen the window. Those of you that plan on donating to a charity, do so with all your heart. But don’t do it through somebody that comes to your door. The only people you should give anything to that randomly show up at your door are A/C repairmen and Trick Or Treaters.