Monday, June 30, 2014

The Child Fund Guilt Trip Street Team

The following might be what is called an unpopular opinion but I really couldn’t care after the way that this whole situation seemed to have unfolded.  I’m sitting on my couch in the middle of the day when out of nowhere, we get a knock on the door.  We get plenty of unsolicited knocks in our area, from the kids selling candy for their soccer teams and the people that work for other power companies trying to convince you that their company is somehow cheaper.

This one was a wee bit strange.  I open my side window and see that spreading almost like roaches to the other houses are folks with green shirts on, complete with giant packets of literature and green lanyards.  This young man, who the guy at the liquor store probably wouldn’t believe he was over the legal age to purchase wine and other spirits looks up and smiles.

It’s a representative from Child Fund.  You all remember Child Fund, don’t you?  Of course you do.  They are the ones that occupy about sixty percent of the commercial time after the evening news getting you to sponsor a child.  For I believe fifteen dollars or so a month you could sponsor little Isaac, who is a star of these commercials along with a kindly looking grandfather type who guilt trips you that you haven’t called yet.  As if the film crew couldn’t sell one of their cameras and sponsor Isaac’s whole damn village for a year.

I’ve always been curious about how the Child Fund sponsoring system works.  Do you get to pick a specific child that you sponsor from a book of pictures like the old police mug shot books?  Are the letters you get from the child you sponsor real or are they like when someone posts what appears to be a fake “Insert Dirty Things Kids Inadvertently Wrote On A Paper Plate Here” post on BuzzFeed.  I always have had this level of doubt with organizations like this that the letters from the sponsored children are written in some office building in Wyoming or something.  Like the same way people think their fortune cookies all come from China, only to actually look at the packaging and see they are made in New Jersey.

Anyway, the young man starts in with his pitch and I begin to wonder why the hell he’s at my door to begin with.  I mean, you can’t turn a television on for an hour after ten at night on cable without seeing the old man with the young kid telling you that he’ll die by the end of the commercial if you don’t get your credit card out now.  I, being polite listen to him until he has a chance to take a natural breath.  Which takes a while, because they must teach these people to say this shit while holding their breath underwater or something because damn do they have some lung power.  I’m talking about Ed Harris in The Right Stuff level of lung power.

After about six and a half minutes of making his speech (time may be extended for hilarity), I told him that it’s something that our family would like to do but we only have a specific budget for charitable contributions.  You’d think he’d be overjoyed or at the very least mildly happy that he’s being met by someone that donates to something instead of just getting a door shut in his face.  Nope, he proceeds to ask me what charities I donate to; which are really nobodies goddamn business when it comes down to it.  Seriously, do you ask complete strangers what charities they donate to?

Hoping that telling him one of the charities we donate to will get him off my damn property, I tell him that we really don’t have any more money to give.  I say goodbye to him and as I am shutting my window he sneaks in the following, “so you don’t want to help starving children today?”

Just like the old fella in the commercial, he’s busting out the guilt trip on me.  I then proceeded to tell him that it was excessively impolite to tell someone that when they respectfully give their reasons why they cannot.  It wasn’t as if I danced around him in a circle burning his donation forms.


For two minutes, this guy argued with me over the fact that I wasn’t donating and basically telling me that I was indirectly responsible for children starving.  It was incredibly insulting.  Hell, even after I shut the window and closed my blinds the guy stood there practically shouting at me as if he was commanding me to reopen the window.  Those of you that plan on donating to a charity, do so with all your heart.  But don’t do it through somebody that comes to your door.  The only people you should give anything to that randomly show up at your door are A/C repairmen and Trick Or Treaters.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Under The Dome Season Two: Even Domeier!

I'm fairly recent to the party when it comes to being a Stephen King fan.  Not because his work is bad by any means, just I literally never got around to reading any of his stuff.  When you are working sixteen hour days when you are in the Navy, and then come home and continue to work outrageously long days reading The Stand is not exactly the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of relaxation.  Let's face it, that's a long goddamned book.

Which brings me to the fact that I was just alerted to the fact that Season Two of Under The Dome starts tonight, June 24th on CBS.  Dear God, is this going to be a shitty spring into summer for television.  Under The Dome, at least last year, seemed to follow the end of a given season of Nurse Jackie.  In both shows, I don't fault the actors.  I highly suspect that they would come up with some of the shit they are asked to say and do on these shows.

Nurse Jackie is the shits, let's all face it.  Look, we know that Edie Falco is good, and that everyone on the show tries hard.  However, the writing staff on the show seems like a group of five year olds that were given espresso before a writing session.  If you haven't seen that program, it goes like this.  Jackie does addict stuff, gets caught, says she's going to get clean, does more addict stuff and so the wheel keeps on turning.

Back to Under The Dome.  When I watched the pilot episode last year I had such high goddamn hopes for this show.  I really wanted it to succeed.  However, with the shit acting combined with what seems like the speeding up of plots so quick they could venture back to Hill Valley 1955 without any effort at all; it became a chore that my wife and I would do other shit while the show was on in the background so we didn't have to suffer the full effects of hearing the show and looking at it.  Trust me folks, save yourself a whole lot of time and just go read the book.

RCH: Time Travel Made Easy

RCH Ali v.s. Inoki: The Tumble and The Bumble

Red Card Headbutt: Extreme Lowering Of Expectations

Red Card Headbutt: The Three Stages Of Smell

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Random Excerpt From Something I'm Working On

Hey people, working on an idea for something.  Not sure what it's going to turn into but whenever or if ever it gets finished it'll be put up on Amazon for download to your Kindles and reading devices.  Until then, I'll periodically post some snippets from the first draft every so often.  Enjoy


And just went I thought my fear of clowns had finally subsided years later, we’re visiting the family in Chicago and for some damn reason the subject of John Wayne Gacy came up amongst the grown folks.  For those that don’t remember, he was the serial killer that dressed up as a clown at charity events.  Well, the grown folks started telling us kids that if we see a clown walking down the street with a knife that we should immediately run into the house and come get them.

Why would a bunch of adults tell children that?  Couldn’t they have simply stated that it was time for dinner and that we needed to come inside?  There’s got to be better ways of getting kids to eat lima beans than this.