Friday, August 10, 2012

They Say That In The Navy #1

After a brief sabbatical from writing a series that was only three editions into production, some of which included being loaded into a contraption that shot me three hundred feet into the air; we are back.  I'm going to bounce around quite a bit here.  Seeing as how approximately six and a half people read this, I think I can bounce around on the chronology without very many people noticing anything happened at all.  So what's on my mind right now?

We had an absolute bitch of a thunderstorm this morning.  Woke up about nine this morning to feed the cat, which had been pawing at me for several minutes to wake up.  I presume that it thought I had passed throughout the night or something.  That's actually the amazing thing about cats if you ask me, they are very good time keepers.  If you need to get up by a certain hour, don't bother with an alarm clock.  Just get a cat.  Start feeding it at eight in the morning.  Do it for a really long time.  The one day you decide to sleep past eight, your cat will come into your bedroom and paw at the blanket as if it is trying to say, "Hey, I can't open the damned can myself!"  allowing you to naturally wake up without the jarring sensation of an alarm clock.

Which brings me to alarm clocks.  When I was in the military, there was this guy named Kurtz.  Yep, just like Brando's character from Apocalypse Now.  Only the Kurtz I was familiar with at the time seemed to be a little less mentally stable.  Put it to you this way.  You know those people that sit and watch the five hour long Nyan Cat videos on YouTube all the way through without a break?  Double that and you have a smidgen of what Kurtz was like.  If I remember correctly, the guy had TWO copies of every album the Insane Clown Possee had put out to date.  When I asked him about this, he explained that the reasoning was what if we were out to sea and he dropped one of them in the water.  As crazy as it may sounds, I admire his planning.  Even if the plan was to stockpile ICP CD's in case of emergency.

Anyway, the fellow had this unique obsession for being on time that rivaled being strange for the military.  One time, I had drawn midwatch or something like that and asked Kurtz, who was on the previous watch to wake me up so I could check in on time.  Now, instead of waking me up by lightly tapping me on the shoulder, or going "Dan, wake up"  I am awoken by this remarkably loud constant beep directly in my ear.  This one incident is probably the reason I can't hear the tv and people talking at the same time to this day.  I wake up rather violently and hit my head on the top of the bunk then look over and see his maniacal looking face.

Even when he was in a down mood, Kurtz always had this look about him as if he had consumed too many Joker products.  Anyway, I glance down to see him holding this purple box.  It was a trucker alarm clock.  It had to actual clock to speak of, just a countdown timer.  Which begs the question, did he just hit the button to activate a noise that would have woken the dead; or did he set the timer and stand there for the entire time?

That's all for now folks.  Next time I'll start discussing some of the wonders that make up basic training, or the time I knocked Oliver North into a wall.  You guys can go on the FaceBook and decide.

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