Friday, March 11, 2011

Well, The Freezer Is Full


Life as most of us know, is about little moments that seem relatively innocuous to the other six and a half billion people floating around the sun with us.  Tensions in Libya, rampant unemployment, and everything in the news ranging from health care to gun control.  We get bombarded with bad news all the time so when something good happens, we should appreciate it all the more.
I had an outing with my family this past evening that I will probably remember for the rest of my life.  Let me start you all off with a little bit of a getting up to speed.  A couple of months ago, my wife and I got sick and tired of going to the grocery store every time we needed something.  You see, the average person’s freezer in their kitchen can only reasonably hold a couple of pounds of any one particular thing.  So when you get down to the one packet of hamburger; guess what?  You gotta go out and get another pound of hamburger.  Mostly because half of your freezer is usually occupied by those freeze pop things that the kids promised they were going to eat.  So you have to venture out and get your provisions for the next few days.  Then you have to do it all over again.  Those of you that live in colder climates are also aware of the extra sensory intrusions that come with having to do your hunting and gathering when they announce a snowstorm.  People go nuts and the corner store ends up looking like a Best Buy on Black Friday.
So we got our heads together and figured out that we have to be able to find a place that sells most of the things that we eat and drink.  Packaged in insanely large amounts.  And why the hell not?  We got a garage now, so it wasn’t that hard of a sell to my wife that we needed to buy a freezer.  That way if we ever stumbled on a place that sold our favorite things in ridiculously large sizes and store them for extended periods of time.  But where to find such a place?
Just when I thought to myself that such a place couldn’t possibly exist; I remembered to some years past when I was in a place where if you needed a three gallon bucket of cheese you could get a three gallon bucket of cheese.  This place was called Sam’s.  So once we realized that such a place actually existed, it wasn’t exactly that hard of a sell to drive to the nearest Sam’s and get a membership.  Yeah, I know that they don’t have unions and their benefits package probably sucks; but if we ever need three gallons of cheese, I am not buying it by the quart.  If you have never been to one of these places, it’s an animal like no other.  People traversing the aisles wide enough to drive a truck through in shopping carts wider than a Honda Civic.  So like all the others, we caved in and started buying all the things we ever wanted.  If you need a supply of Sweet N Low to last you through an entire presidential term, this is the place to go.  It took about a half a shopping trip to entirely fill up our new freezer.  We now have enough food in the house to survive two zombie attacks and a couple of apocalypses.
But the real fun with this place came yesterday when as a fun exciting activity for our son, we decided that he was old enough to handle the wonders that this building contained.  So we walked in with him, his eyes glazed over at the massive amounts of everything they had.  He likes Pop Tarts, so when he saw the metric ton box of his favorite flavor, his jaw dropped to the floor and he pulled his back out trying to put it in the cart.  Then as he started to get a little winded while he was walking the marathon length path through the store he saw something that he legitimately freaked out over.  A can of tuna the size of an XBOX.  He fell on the floor and started laughing.  He was lying prone next to the shelf for so long that the old folks in the store thought Sam’s had started selling teenage grandchildren.  I believe that he had finally found a little extra meaning in his life when he saw the box truck of Reese’s Sticks.  My god, he found somewhere that he can legitimately find a lifetime supply of his favorite candy.  I’m glancing at the box right now.  It’s our new coffee table.
The boy looked a little winded from the trek through the cavernous superstore.  So with that in mind, and our Sherpa was getting tired too, we gave him a treat and took him to Friday’s.  Now most of his burger eating comes in tiny form.  White Castle and McDonald’s.  Imagine his surprise and wonderment when the waiter brings him his hamburger and it is roughly the size of a Thanksgiving Day parade float.  Everything about this day was packaged in bulk.  And the boy was incredibly industrious in the consumption of this enormous sandwich.  Instead of most folks, who will just take a heavily labored bite through the center; he just ate a circle around the thing.  So by the end of it the part he took home with him looked like a really tiny hamburger.  It was a genius idea that I had never come up with.  Looks a lot more appetizing the next day if it doesn’t have a chunk taken out of it.  He was never happier.  So it was an amazing day for my son.  And it also reminded me that with all of the wacky crap that’s going on in the world, be sure to look for those happy little moments wherever you can.  Lastly, for those of you that may be wondering, I only suffered minor crush injuries when I tried to lift the forty gallon drum of chocolate ice cream into the trunk of the car.

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