Friday, March 11, 2011

Open Apology


Well folks, looks like I’ve gone and done it.  I had the most wonderfully laid out plan to write an amazing, insightful column and I messed up the opportunity.  Today’s President’s Day, and in honor of the holiday after I woke up I was going to write this amazing column for everyone.  Don’t ask what President’s Day had to do with it.  So I got up bright and early at around eleven in the morning.  Poured a steaming hot cup of coffee for me and my wife.  Sat down and started watching the news as I was trying to wipe the sleep from my eyes.  Fast forward to about twenty minutes later when I returned from the end of the driveway hanging my head at the fact that I had again forgotten that there is no mail delivered on President’s Day.  I had set a direct time that exactly noon I was going to sit down with my collection of pens and notepad and write another witty insightful article.
But I’m a stickler for starting on time, and I wasn’t going to start for another half hour or so.  If I didn’t start at exactly noon, nothing was going to turn out right.  If I started so much as one minute early, everything would go totally haywire.  So, I looked toward the television and thought, what the hell; I’m going to play that new Call Of Duty game.  It shouldn’t take more than a couple of minutes before I use up my pre writing time and eventually force myself to get to work.  So my wife says to me that our son was playing a mode in the game where you shoot zombies or something and that I should try it.  It didn’t take more than a minute or so before I got mauled to pieces by hoards of undead German scientists.  I had to get to work soon; but I just couldn’t let those undead bastards get the best of me.
So I put on my zombie killing hat and put my nose to the grindstone.  I had to get to the end of this thing and free the world of these flesh eating ghouls.  But I got my ass handed to me the first time, so I had to prepare.  I had to get the strategy down proper.  I delved deep into every online strategy guide known to man.  Millions of people around the world are apparently experts at killing zombies.  Never mind the fact that this is all vicarious experience.  Because I doubt any of these so called experts has seen a real zombie.  But I had to take them at their word for it.  I didn’t have a damn clue anyway.
Now that I was well prepared, I could begin the fight.  For time indeterminable; I shot zombie after zombie after zombie.  Splattered blood over the walls of a nuclear reactor for what seemed like days.  I’d get knocked down and start over again.  I was going to get to the end of this thing.  I was going to solve the zombie puzzle!  Just as it seemed I was about to finally save the world, guess what?  My son comes down the stairs and informs me that there was no ending to the game.  No matter how far I go, he informed me, I was just eventually going to get killed by a mob of the undead.
Crap!  Just like in real life, when the zombies come they will win out every time.  There’s just no use.  Just lie down and let them eat your brains.  When my eyes finally adjusted to the world around me, I realized that it was six hours later and that I had blown all my prime writing time.  Any news I was going to report on was now old news.  Any humorous story I was going to tell was now not going to be funny.  Jokes become obsolete quicker than computers.
So if anyone was intending on reading my column today for something witty, I apologize.  If you were hoping I would write something that would have an impact on some far reaching global issue; I beg your forgiveness.  It was the damn zombies.  I’ll try to do better in the future.  Or I could just ask my wife to hide the XBOX controllers.

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