Friday, March 11, 2011

History Of The Lunchable

Sometime in the late 1980's, either a chef or an executive at the Oscar-Mayer corporation came up with an idea. To this day I am not sure as to whether it was a good idea. The concept itself was simple, a pre-packaged assortment of meat, cheese and crackers. Originally designed to quell the appetite in the middle of the day; the Oscar-Mayer Corporation had no idea that they were in the beginnings of creating a monster. The Lunchable...
The original Lunchable was genius in its simplicity. A little snack box of just meat, cheese and crackers. Moms all around the United States were happy. No longer on field trip day did they have to wake up extra early and produce an extra special boxed lunch for their kid. The school lunch lady also loved this, since she could spend a day normally reserved for making cardboard pizzas and not getting laid in relative relaxation. And the kids loved them too. Because kids are easily entertained and love pretty colors. And these things have pretty colors out the ass. Another bonus for the kiddies was the little plastic tub the Lunchable came in, which could be used as a projectile to throw at the bus driver. The bus drivers hated them, as plastic bags didn't have the distance these tubs did. Many a school employee have had nervous breakdowns after getting hit with Lunchable tubs one too many times.
Everything seemed right with the world, until the children of America finally realized that there was nothing in a Lunchable to wash down the pack of crackers and the processed cheese they had just choked down. So they bitched and they bitched and they bitched some more. The mothers of the world called up Oscar-Mayer and said, "hey assholes, would it kill ya to put a damn juice box in there!" So the powers that be broke down and packaged a Capri Sun Juice box with the "meal". Which the kids all promptly squirted fruit punch on the front of their shirt. Because nobody has ever opened a Capri Sun without getting that shit all over them.
Like all well meaning ideas gone bad, several augments were made to the original design. Due to strict market research and a collective cry from the kids of,"we're sick and tired of fucking crackers", several different types of Lunchables were made to accommodate the tastes of every discerning grocery store customer. In short, they fucked up a wet dream.
First came the chicken tenders. What a wonderful idea. Nothing tastes better than rubberized miscellaneous chicken parts that barely survived a trip by eighteen wheeler to your nearest grocery store. These weren't so bad, you could at least drown them in barbecue sauce.
Then came the nachos. Such a great way to shut your child up. Processed cheese spread in a piss test cup and a pack of stale tortilla chips that resemble the leavings from a bag of real chips glued together. Pass on them, nobody will be happy after that except the guy that sells you your toilet paper.
After that were the pizza ones. Six flakes of shredded cheese, a half a pepperoni and this red shit that is supposed to be pizza sauce. All served on a piece of wet cardboard.
Then you have the worst offender of the mini-food phenomenon. The taco Lunchable. They are comprised of the same wet cardboard used for the pizza Lunchables, but only slightly inferior quality. The same packet of cheese, only slightly more awful tasting. You might be asking about the meat. Can't put cooked hamburger in the package. So they decided to go the space food route, and come up with this odd looking brown paste. Don't worry, it only looks like pre-packaged Montezuma's Revenge. And at least like corn, it looks the same coming out as it did going in.
So the next time you feel a little bit of hunger coming on, just make a sandwich. At the very least, your shirt won't be stained red, and you won't have to pretend you are not really eating crap served on a chunk of a refrigerator box.

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