Friday, March 11, 2011

The Elderly And You!


Every once in a while you will run across some really interesting people.  But it’s people you never see on a daily basis.  That’s because you see them on a daily basis and tend to just simply not notice their odd little quirks.  So for someone to draw your attention they have to be completely out of their mind strange.  Peanut butter and Habaneros strange.  They’ve got to be loud, opinionated and blessed with the uncanny ability to just not give a damn anymore.  Nine times out of ten, that means they are really damned old.
Sometimes the elderly will totally surprise you.  Take for example this one rather old and pungent senior citizen that was a friend of the family.  Stunk like old hymn books.  Like the inside of a bowling shoe after an MDA fundraiser.  So bad a doctor once prescribed her soap.  But time and time again this woman that could have made millions as a Victor Borge impersonator was invited to family gatherings.  And the stink came with her.  Every single time if you sat next to her long enough, eventually the rids would begin to taste like macaroni salad.  When there was none at the barbecue to begin with.  And the air around her would begin to smell like swamp water and bad car wash air fresheners.
Never mind the sights and smells of these citizens of seniority; we now move onto the sounds.  By that I mean non-verbal communications.  Which after years of painstaking research seems to be a mixture of Morse Code and flatulence.  Want to know if your old uncle is walking around the house and not in need of assistance?  He will surely let you know with a brief series of very low guttural noises fueled in part by the ten year old case of Milwaukee’s Best he found in the garage.  Every step will be met with a plop or a plop, which by the way are two totally different sounds.  Do not bother to bring this up to them however.  For one, they can’t hear you.  Second, it’s how they get around without bumping into things.  Almost like SONAR, but SONAR doesn’t smell like a wet dog.
You will also get regaled by the old folks with stories that contain useful nuggets of information.   Ever just happen to go to the 1930’s and needed to know how much admission to a movie was?  Or a gallon of gasoline?  Or the cost to ride the trolley?  If you ever plan on taking a vacation back to the Depression these morsels of knowledge will come in quite handy.  And they will let you know too, for the fiftieth time.  Whether you want to hear it or not…
That is, after they tell you how good you have it these days.  Right after you get back from putting a triple mortgage on your house and grocery shopping at the dollar store.  Mmm…Bargain Meat!  Yummy!

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